Information for parents

Information for services to give to parents

The information in this section has been provided by the NSPCC/ARP Family Alcohol Service and is an example of information given by the service to parents.

If you have children you have probably wondered how you or your partner’s drinking problem may be affecting or harming them, and how you can give them help and support.

Naturally, every child’s experience is different, but children can be affected and hurt in much the same way as adults. You may think that because they are children they do not realise what is going on, or haven’t really noticed the drinking problem. But although children may not always realise that it is the drinking that is causing problems for their parents, they are usually very aware that there are problems in the family that make life harder for everyone. The things that hurt children the most are:

Not being able to depend on parents to provide basic necessities and to keep promises
Feeling confused and uncertain of what may happen next
Frightened of what they might find when they come home from school or home for a visit
Being unable to cope with school work because of worry and tiredness
Sensing a bad atmosphere at home, finding themselves involved in or seeing fights and arguments, or being kept awake by them
Feeling the y can’t talk to their drinking parent about their worries in case it makes them angry
Feeling they can’t talk to their sober parent because he/she is always irritable or exhausted from worrying abut and caring for the other parent
Wondering if they are the cause of their parents drinking, or if the other parent is to blame
Losing friends and interests, and not being able to bring friends home in case their parents do something to embarrass them
Resentment at having to do more than their fair share of jobs around the house, look after brothers or sisters
Fear of being hurt, unloved, or abandoned.

What children need
Children can cope when their parent drinks too much. In fact, some children become very capable as a direct result. So much depends on how their other parent or family members cope with the drinking problem, and how their parents get on with each other in front of them.

In fact, there has been some important research that interviewed young adults who had grown up in a family where one or both of their parents had a drinking problem. This study found that some children fared better than others. When they talked further to the young people they were able to see why this was. It seemed that certain aspects of family life greatly reduce the risk of short and longer term harm to children, even in spite of one or both parent having a drinking problem. In the families where the children were less harmed, they saw the following:

Children were given time and positive attention from the non-problem drinking parent, or another close family members
The parents got on with each other in front of the children and didn’t argue when they were around, and made decisions about family things together. They kept their arguments and disagreements to times when they children weren’t around.
The parents made sure that birthdays and special occasions were remembered and celebrated, and that the whole family enjoyed regular outings and events together. Also, parents made sure that they kept their promises and didn’t let children down.
Children were helped and encouraged to feel good about themselves and their abilities and not criticised or made to feel bad, even if at times they acted in ways that the parents found difficult. Parents communicated with their children in warm and loving ways most of the time.
Children were close to other adults (like aunts and uncles, parents friends, teachers, neighbours, etc) who gave them care and attention and helped them get involved in activities outside the immediate family.
Children were encouraged to make plans for their future, how and who they wanted to be when they grew up. This helped them feel good about the future and themselves.

All the above seem to help children cope, even if the family is having problems with drinking at the time. So if you are able to make sure things like this happen in your family then the children will be OK, and the adults will probably get on better too.

Other things that help
There are some other important but quite easy ways in which you can help your children cope. Of course the kind of help you give them, and the way you give it depends on their age. But in general, you can help a great deal by:

Talking to them about the drinking problem – give them basic information about alcohol and the way it can affect the way people behave. Point out that they are very much loved by both parents, and give them examples to prove this.

Explaining that they are not responsible – Children need to know that problems at home or between their parents are not their fault and that there is nothing they have done to feel guilty about. Explain that the adults are trying to sort things out and change things for the better. Point out that it may take some time before things really better, but that it will happen.

Show them how you feel about things – Sometimes you will be too impatient, tired or worried to respond to your children in the ways that they need and want. You may speak and behave towards them in ways that you later regret. It helps if children understand that you are not indifferent to them but are sometimes overwhelmed by your difficulties and this can make you tense and preoccupied. So explain, as simply as you can why you sometimes behave this way, and ask them to be patient and understanding with you.

Allow them their childhood – Children need time to play and make friendships, and time away from adult worries and family problems. Make sure your children get a break, and are not given too many responsibilities. Children should help out at home, in age appropriate ways, but not at the expense of their childhood.

Preparing your child for emergencies
You don’t want to frighten children by letting their imagination run riot about all the traumatic things that might happen if a parent has a drink problem. On the other hand, they would be more confident if you decide together in advance how to deal with dangerous events should they arise.

Drinking and driving – No one should travel in a car when the driver has been drinking, so ask you children think with you about how they can avoid this.

Sudden iIlness – If drinking stops suddenly, the drinker can become very ill. And if someone has been drinking they are also more at risk of other injuries too, of injury from falls or burn, which may need immediate medical attention. Your child should know how, and under what circumstances to call or doctor or and ambulance.

Fire – There is always a risk of fire in the home. Since fires are commonly caused by cooking or smoking, the risk is increased when the person cooking or smoking is drunk. You children need to know to leave the house immediately and call for help from outside the house.

Abuse – Of course, it does not follow that children who come from homes where a parent drinks too much are necessarily going to be physically, emotionally or sexually abused, but it can happen. You need to let you children know that they have a right to be safe and that they can tell someone and ask for help from someone they trust if these things are happening to them.

Summary
You can help your children in many important ways, which will help them cope even when there are problems, worries or difficulties in the family. You can:

Help them feel that you and your partner/family love and want them and listen to them
Talk to them a little about the drink problem, and reassure them that they didn’t cause it and they can’t change it.
Show them how you feel, but don’t burden them with adult problems and responsibilities
Encourage them to play, see friends and explore their interests.
Prepare them to be able to cope with emergencies
Make sure they know who to turn to if they are being hurt

After you have read all this, you are probably feeling a bit overwhelmed and wonder where to start with it all. Don’t feel you have to tackle everything at once. Perhaps you could talk with your alcohol worker about the things you have read, and get their help to think about how you will take things forward to improve things for your family and your children, and make sure that the problems you are dealing with now will not have any lasting damage for you all.

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