Advice for affected others

Worried about someone else? How to tell if someone else has a problem with alcohol

It can be very distressing if someone you care about is drinking heavily. Most people with a drinking problem will deny it. You might know that something is wrong and suspect alcohol, but it is hard to find out from the person directly. In fact, the common question of whether or not someone is an “alcoholic” is rarely useful. It might be more helpful to think about how their drinking is affecting their life and the lives of those around them. These are sometimes called ‘affected others’.

Is their drinking causing them problems with one of the four L’s?

L iver: is drinking affecting their physical or mental health?

L over: is drinking causing problems with their friendships and relationships?

L ivelihood: is drinking affecting their work, education or finances?

L aw: is drinking leading the person to be in trouble with the law or their job?

Other ‘warning signs’ are the person:

Becoming angry when you try and discuss their drinking
Having accidents or injuries because of drinking
Needing to have alcohol nearby in order to function normally
Feeling sick, irritable, having the shakes, sweating in the morning or in the middle of the night.

When trying to spot a drinking problem it is more useful to focus on what has changed (their behaviour, habits, appearance, etc) rather than whether or not they are an ‘alcoholic’.

How to help
Neither you nor anyone else can make someone stop drinking, but you can encourage and help him or her to make changes. Some ideas that people have found helpful are:

Talking to the person you’re worried about. Find a time when they’re sober and when you’re reasonably calm.
Telling them about the problems their drinking is causing. Helping them to see the effects of their drinking might encourage them to change their behaviour.
Listening to them. Find out how they feel about their drinking and how it helps them.
Avoid getting into arguments; it will make it more difficult for them to talk openly to you about things in future. For the same reason it’s best not to sound as though you’re accusing or ‘nagging’.
Be consistent - don’t keep changing your mind about what you’re saying, or say one thing and do another.
Make it clear what behaviour is unacceptable.
Make it clear what action you will take if they do not keep to their side of the bargain. Don’t make idle threats.
Discuss with friends and family what you are trying to do. Encourage them to support you and take a similar approach. Acting together in this way can help stop the drinker denying the problem.
Help the person who is drinking to be realistic. Don’t encourage them to make promises they can’t keep.
Try to change patterns of behaviour that make it easier for them to drink; for example, don’t give them money if you think they will spend it on alcohol.
Don’t try to hide the effects of the person’s drinking, eg phoning work with excuses, clearing up the mess, putting them to bed, missing social events for fear of embarrassment.
Encourage the person to reflect on how drink is affecting their life rather than asking them to accept a label such as ‘alcoholic’.

Finding help
People often do not know how best to help someone with a drink problem. If you are close to a problem drinker it can be hard because you and your family may be putting up with difficult behaviour whilst the drinker does not recognise or admit they have a problem. Even when they do, it can be very difficult for them to stop drinking or cut down and this in itself is a source of tension for partners and friends. How you approach the problem and respond to it is important, but it may have got beyond what you can deal with, leading to distress and guilt as family and friends try, but fail, to help. The wisest thing to do in these circumstances is to get some independent advice and support. If you are concerned about someone else’s drinking, the first step may be to convince that person of the need for help. If you seek the help yourself it can assist this process as well as being an important signal to the drinker that others think there is a problem even if they don’t.

Advice and counselling agencies exist throughout the country and their staff are more than happy to talk to friends and family members either on the telephone or by appointment. They can support you, help you make decisions about what you want to do, and importantly, if you feel you can continue to help the drinker, they can offer guidance on ways that are more likely to have an effect. Talking to others in the same situation helps many people, and self-help groups do exist for families, friends and partners of problem drinkers. Drinking problems are a lot more common than you may think.

Alcohol Concern has a directory on its website – www.alcoholconcern.org.uk which will tell you where your nearest alcohol advice agency is. Check to see if there is one in your nearest town by looking in the town Index, or under the section for your county. Most provide support for family or friends of problem drinkers.

You can also check your local phone book – look under ‘Alcohol’ or ‘Counselling’

You can call Drinkline on 0800 917 8282 (calls are free) and they have details of local agencies.

You can find out about self-help groups for relatives and friends of problem drinkers by contacting Al-Anon on 020 7403 0888 (confidential service).

Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of self-help groups for problem drinkers; their helpline number is 0845 769 7555 (10am-10pm) or check local press for details of local groups.

There is a large range of books and pamphlets aimed at people whose lives are being affected by alcohol. Your local library or bookshop will probably stock some. Alcohol Concern holds a list of publications that may be helpful for problem drinkers and their families. Further information can be obtained by emailing info@alcoholconcern.org.uk, or online from their website www.alcoholconcern.org.uk. There are also a range of factsheets which can be downloaded at no cost.

To advice for problem drinkers section

To assessing people with alcohol problems section